It's Quixotic?
by CMemlovr
Summary: Snapshots of Will's thoughts about Mackenzie throughout the series. Each chapter will tag to the episodes sequentially.
1. We Just Decided To

"_Hi Will, it's good to see you."_

Three years. Three fucking years I managed to avoid any and all contact with her – and then Charlie goes out and hires her to by my EP? Jesus, ever since the hallucination she's been popping up everywhere! She's standing before me, looking somewhat like a deer caught in the headlights – a small, hopeful smile lighting her features. Pointing around the room, she indicates a new face – a Senior Producer (I think) that she brought with her. Poor sod, he won't know what's hit him when she tears his heart out, and leaves him bleeding. Fury rips through me, and it takes all I have to suppress the shudder it induces. But, for the briefest of seconds, a twinge of _something _also reverberates within me, and I am powerless to stop it from running rampant in my thoughts. I can't help but notice all that I had attempted to forget – all that I had missed - in the midst of hating the image of her with that son of a bitch. The moment passes, and I grind my teeth, anger claiming me once more.

"_Let's go in my office."_

"_It's time for Don Quixote!"_

I have no idea what the fuck she's talking about. I mean, she started (the second half of) her sermon with a quote from a musical, and attempted to pass it off as Don Miguel de Cervantes, for heaven's sake.

I half listen to her words – her passionate delivery is what has truly enthralled me – and realise that it has been too long since _anybody _in this office has been so excited, so impassioned about their job. About doing the news _right. _ Through all these years, I've been doing a show that increased my popularity – my affability. I've also been doing a show that makes me utterly miserable. Watching her becomes so involved, so excited, about producing a _good _news show reawakens the first sentiments of interest I felt for her all those years ago. I remember why I loved her and want to kick myself for bringing it up, because it is always closely followed by the memory of her admission of infidelity.

I pretend to think about her rousing speech – because the truth is, I already know that I want to do her show, and I _badly _want to do it – and say no, just because she's so much more fun to screw around with than Don.

"_Let's throw out the_ rundown."

**Hi guys, I hope you enjoyed reading this, and please tell me whether or not it's worth continuing :)  
****This is my first Newsroom fic, so please be gentle.  
****Thanks for reading! ^_^**


	2. News Night 2 0

"…_and then I need someone to sneak into Will's office, and delete the e-mail from his inbox. If it's password protected, I need you to, um, TAKE A BASEBALL BAT AND SMASH…"_

I walk steadily towards the Newsroom, my fists clenched tightly and my frame shaking in poorly suppressed rage. Hadn't we discussed this this morning? Had she misunderstood when I said that I didn't want _anybody_ to know? Had she misheard? Stepping into the Newsroom quietly, I hear Mac's voice piercing the relative quiet – clearly, she's just realised her incredible cock-up and is attempting to fix it by _panicking. _Typical Mac, actually.

I'd been in the elevator, on the way to my office after my negotiations uptown. Seeing her e-mail, I thought it was something urgent – something pertaining to the rundown. Scrolling through, I realised that there was no more to the message. She had just fucking aired our dirty laundry to the entire ACN building without a second thought, after I had _expressly _told her to not mention it. At all. To _anyone_!

Now she's standing before me, questioning Jim about my supposed whereabouts when I'm clearly standing right here and fucking furious.

"_We stood in my office this morning, and I said, under no circumstances do I want anyone here to know what happened, and you said yes, and yes again. And it really… it really seemed like you understood."_

"_I'm sorry, about everything. I'm just…so sorry."_

After this morning's debacle, and the chewing out she gave me after tonight's show, I can honestly see why she feels that she needs to apologise. Why she feels guilty. Truth be told, however, we both screwed up today. We both tried to fix our mistakes – tried to appease _someone _- and ended up making everything a helluva lot worse.

She's questioning me now, interrogating my motives for reporting the news. Asking if I'm still going to try to pander to my audience. To retain the friends I made in her absence. For a moment, I consider saying no. I consider appeasing her and lying, but I can't. I've never been able to lie to Mac in the same way she has never been able to lie to me. And there's the kicker – the sucker punch that ended our relationship. She couldn't lie to me – and now, it seems that she also couldn't lie to the rest of the company either. If I'm completely honest, the entire situation would probably be hilarious if I weren't embroiled in the nightmare. It could almost be comedic, if it weren't so horrifyingly humiliating.

This time, I can forgive her. I know that she has probably already forgiven me for my stunt tonight. I know that she also still feels incredibly guilty about…well, the contents of the e-mail. While I'm still pissed, I'm also aware that I've got another one-hundred and fifty-six weeks with her, so I may as well make it work and do the news right while I'm at it.

"_I'm in."_

**Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed reading, and if you did, please review! ^_^  
Side Note: I am able to update frequently now because I'm on half-term break and an incorrigible procrastinator, but updates will probably become far more sporadic once I'm back at school. Sorry! **


	3. The 112th Congress

"_Y'know what, Heff? There's a hooters a few blocks from here just filled with waitresses who are stocked like a game fishing pond for you to go…out like a fish!"_

Subtle, Mac. Really subtle. Then again, I'm not entirely sure what I expected of her, as subtlety has never exactly been her forte. I'm half-amused half-astounded that she would have the gall to make a reference to my latest parade of women in front of the staff. Amused, because she utterly lost her train of thought in the midst of insulting me – and the fact that that still happens to her (eloquent and well-spoken as she is) amuses me, and endears her to me. Astounded because I can't believe she would actually talk about this _in front of the staff._ Especially after the email.

As I said last night: _"_Adults should hold themselves accountable for their behaviour". Since Mac seems unable to see why I am still angry at her – why I still have difficulty trusting her – I am holding her accountable for her actions as an _adult. _The situation is different, the result the same. We might not have the same relationship we did a few weeks ago – rather, our relationship may not be quite so strained or terse – but the pain and remembrance of what happened three years ago still lingers, and for now, I'm doing my utmost to forget.

"_You lost the thread, right?"_

"_I'm sorry."_

She has a _boyfriend?! _After all the shit she gave me for my (admittedly numerous) dates, I wouldn't have expected her to pull that crap on me. Then again, maybe it's good that she's moved on – maybe that means that I can also force myself away from what happened three years ago. Maybe that means that I can finally allow those memories to fade to black. Maybe I can stop seeing the shithead – _Brian Brenner –_ with his hands all over her every time I close my fucking eyes.

When he walked in, I could see the panic in her eyes, I could see that she didn't want me to know he'd been there – almost as though she believed that in some way, I would see this as yet another betrayal. I want to scream – shout as loudly as I can possibly manage – but I don't, because I know deep down that this is how life is supposed to work. This is how relationships are supposed to work, and the relationship Mac and I have had (had, historically) is unhealthy and strange.

I can see her looking at me apprehensively, and I know that she's scared – that she's worried about how badly I'll react to the latest revelation. The truth is that I have no idea how I feel, let alone thinking about how she might feel at this present moment. I don't know how to express what's currently running through my mind; between Maggie's stern talking-to, and my instinct to apologize for my cold treatment of Mac, I'm not even sure of what the appropriate reaction to display _should _be.

"_Nope, this is exactly what was supposed to happen."_

**Hi guys! Thanks for reading this far, and if you liked it, please review! :)  
I also forgot to do this at the end of last chapter, but I usually thank everybody who has already reviewed. So, to make up for it, I would like to thank: Shellin8, JustAnnW, Happy9450, Guest, fanficfanuk, Guest and Guest. You guys are the best! ^_^  
**


	4. I'll Try to Fix You

"_I'm not keeping myself in jail anymore!"_

I can't help myself, even if it is New Year's Eve, I have to start a snark war with her. The very fact that she brought that insufferable dunderhead with her, _Wade, _is enough to drive me utterly ballistic. I mean _Jesus _she couldn't see fit to spare me this one night? It's already been a pretty shitty holiday season _thank you very much! _And what the fuck does she mean by "keeping herself in jail"? She had a fucking affair – if anything, I'm the one keeping myself in jail because I can't seem to get the image out of my mind. I should be the one locking her in jail.

Our "heated discussion" progresses to an out-and-out trade of sniping comments, and not for the first time, I feel that the reason I dislike her current _beau _so strongly is because he is ultimately not good enough for her. Does she deserve to be happy? – Debatable after what happened three years ago. Does Wade deserve to have her? Absolutely not. It's the second time I've met the man, and he's already pitching me? It doesn't really sound to me like the man is with Mackenzie to be _with Mackenzie. _

I just have no fucking idea why that means so much to me.

"_I will."_

"_Jesus Christ how much do you hate me?!"_

She's yelling at me, clearly under the impression that I allowed that particular clause into my contract because I hate her. I don't. I don't hate her. I can hear what she's saying, but I can't really understand what she's trying to tell me. Practically screaming at me by now, she's looking at me like I'm an absolute moron. And goddamn it, I know that she's only so furious with me because she cares, but I'll be damned if it doesn't strike up the same rage within me too. I can take care of myself! I don't _need _her to remind me that she moved on three-and-a-half fucking years ago, or that she's moved on again! In fact, I need nothing more from her than a guarantee that she's going to do her job.

And now she's saying that she won't even do that, if it pleases me. She would give up the job that she loves - a job that she places above and before everything else in her life - _for me._ I calm slightly – balk, even – at the thought of her leaving. It seems like the perfect solution, if the thought of it didn't leave me cold inside. But I say the damned words anyway. I tell her that we can discuss her future away from ACN if that would please _her. _

Before I even know what's happening, I'm reporting Gabi's shooting and possible death, and I haven't had a second to breathe and think about Mackenzie. But I know now that I _desperately_ want to.

"_It's not your fault…it's gonna be_ alright."

**Hi guys! I hope you enjoyed the update, and thanks for reading! Sorry for the late update, but if you liked it, please leave a review! ^_^  
****Thanks to Shellin8 for reviewing last chapter :D**


	5. Amen

_"Let me tell you something, Billy. I ever find out you paid a gossip columnist money to protect me, I will beat you senseless, and you know I can do it because I'm crafty."_

In that moment, I remember all the reasons I loved her to begin with. Not just because it's Valentine's day, and not just because she has somehow wormed her way back into my life. I remember the way she called me Billy all the time – the way it sounded on her lips when her voice was still husky with sleep, and the way it fell from her lips like an endearing spell each time she called my name (any time she called my name). But stronger than any of the memories with her that I held dear is the simple fact of who she is: a strong and bull-headed woman who is unwilling to be bullied. A cute woman, whose features belie her total fortitude and stubbornness in times of need. My Mackenzie.

The ridiculousness of what she has just said hits me, and I can't help the small internal chuckle at the thought of her attempting to beat _me _senseless. It's comical, endearing and completely Mackenzie. At this point in time, I don't have it in me to be upset with her. Especially since I found out that that _douchebag _Wade is out of the picture, and that she is still rather upset by his betrayal.

It's been a hard day. It's been a stressful day. But it's been one of those days that can't end half as badly as it began.

_"They changed their mind."_

_"Happy Valentine's Day."_

I see the line stretching through the Newsroom and into my office, and I can't help the smile that touches my face. It isn't about the money – it never was – it's the fact that she did this for me. She organised this _for me _because she wanted to show me that she still cared. That she still remembers the films that make me "cry like an onion".

I look back at her, standing with her arms folded, nervously almost. And I can't hold out any longer – can't help myself even after everything she's done to me. I fold her into my arms, and feel her nuzzling deeper into our embrace, gently shifting against me like she used to all those years ago. A feeling of wholeness flows through me, and I know deep down that if I could just let go - forgive her one infarction - then she would be the one for me.

For now, I just enjoy her embrace.

_**Hey guys, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! If you did, please leave a review! Thanks to Guest for reviewing last chapter, it means a lot to me ^_^**_


	6. Bullies

"_We've got to talk about what happened on the air! ... Were you outside your body?!"_

I sit on the edge of my bed, eyes heavy and stinging, but refusing to close for more than twenty minutes. Rubbing them gently, I run my hands down my unshaven face, my mind racing. Mac comes to mind – as she always does – but this time, her words from earlier today are ringing in my mind, playing like a broken record. I think about how I could feel her irritation with me radiating from her in palpable waves – how even her eyes betrayed her mood before her voice could. She wasn't just mad at me, she was almost betrayed, as though I had snipingly replied to the commenter simply to spite her. It wasn't the fact that I'd dealt with our guest so poorly (although that probably didn't help my case either), it was my tendency to fixate on people I perceive to be bullied that rattled her. Knowing my history more intimately than anyone else at the office, she knows why my commitment to our mission to civilise is so important – why I crusade against bullies when presented with them.

Slowly, thoughts of her this morning simply develop into _thoughts of her_. They linger in my mind unbidden, and my attempts at shutting them down are only half-hearted at best. Dwelling on how much better she's been looking recently compared to when she had just come back from Islamabad, I am unashamed of the route my thoughts take when my daydreams reach her long, toned legs.

Exhaustion runs through me again, and I feel a new ripple of fatigue hit my already-heavy lids. Maybe…?

I lie back down, shutting my eyes as I relax back into the mattress, images of Mac in mind. And I'm still awake.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

"_No, we don't. We're just going to move on!"_

"_You were deceiving me while I was deceiving you, and you never had any intention of…what's this?"_

I tug open the Tiffany's box and hold it level with my navel. Mac's eyes widen perceptibly as she stares down, disbelievingly, at the ostentatious ring nestled in the turquoise box. For a brief moment, I feel a flash of guilt at showing her the ring – I planned this prank carefully once operation Involuntary Colonoscopy was underway, but I hadn't really thought of the consequences. I hadn't thought that she would believe me so readily, and look so incredibly _distraught _at the sight of the ring. The ring that meets the specifications of her ideal ring so perfectly. The ring that I would have bought for her for a proposal rather than a prank.

She barely whispers her admission of an affair, the affirmation of her sin that she is still praying penance for. For a moment, I feel sad – guilty, even – for dredging up our past as a _prank_. But then, I get the satisfaction of seeing her bounce back – cheeky comment at the ready – and smile grimly in response.

Our relationship is well and truly fucked.

_"Yeah."_

**Hey guys! Sorry for the tardy update, I promise that I'll try to be more punctual! In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and if you did, please leave a review! Thanks for reading! ^_^**


	7. 5 of 1

"_Oh my God! Will!"_

Wow. Mac looks hot. I don't think I've ever really noticed it, but when she's got her hair tied back in that cute little pigtail, yeah. She's mad at me though. I can tell from the way she's looking at me that she's more than mad – she's disappointed that I'm baked on what could be the most important news night of our careers. But damn, those cookies tasted great – better even than the falafel I stopped to get on my way in.

_Metabolic_

Oh right. Shit, I guess I messed that one up. But anyone can make a mistake without being baked, right? It just so happens that I am. Wasted, I mean. Mac's staring at me wide-eyed and horrified, and I can't seem to stop myself from spouting whatever random crap comes to mind. I am a medical marvel, though. Any other man would've been dead asleep by now. Yet here I am, still functional. I've got the melatolical – shit, _metabolic _– abilities of many men. If only Mac would believe me. Have I mentioned how good she looks tonight?

Wait. Serious news. Breathe, think. Okay.

"_Mackenzie! Listen to me. There is no way, no way, I'm not reporting this story…I'm not gonna let you down…Hey! We got Obama!"_

"_Look at your Blackberry."_

Well, there's nothing interesting there. It's just my phone, nothing new or different about it. Mac's giving me the pissed face though, so I'm probably doing something wrong with it. Ah yes, the buttons.

_Oh shit. _

I got an email twenty minutes ago saying that OBL is reportable. Now Mac's severely pissed – and so is Charlie, dammit. Well, it's not my fault that I – actually, it kind of is, so I'm just going to stop that thought there before I embarrass myself even further. Oh God, her lips are pursing – never a good sign – and her eyes have narrowed to slits as she reads the email to Charlie. This should be a happy occasion – can't we fast forward to the time when we find this funny?

"Are you kidding me?! Get on the air!" Dammit Charlie, there's no need to yell!

"We're going!"

Excitement floods my body as I anticipate the announcement – I don't really know what to say, or how to say it, but this – this is _good _news. No. It's not good news actually. It's fantastic news, and I get to share it with Mac. I get to share this news with the whole world, and I get to do it with Mac in my ear – pissed with me as she is – directing me and just, being there. I get to share this momentous occasion with my family.

"_Good Evening. From New York City, I'm Will McAvoy. ACN is now able to report and confirm that for the first time in almost three decades, the world has no reason to fear Osama Bin Laden…"_

**_Hey guys, sorry for the slow updates! If you enjoyed this chapter, please review, and thanks for reading! Also, thank you to everyone who has reviewed previously, your comments mean a lot to me!_**

I'll admit upfront that I enjoyed writing high!Will a little too much, so I hope I didn't overdo it... :) 


	8. The Blackout Part I, Tragedy Porn

"_I'm not going to argue with you when Will can do it for me: he's never going to go for this – tell him."_

Damn it. She's right. Or at least, she would be right if it weren't for the massive ratings drop we experienced last week. Do I particularly want to cover the Casey Anthony story? Of course not! Do we have to? You bet your ass. We need the ratings, and goddamn it, we need the audience so that we can finally have that debate we've worked so hard to create. Surely she understands that? Judging by her face though, Mac has no intention of budging on this issue and she expects me to back her up. Under normal circumstances, I would be with her in heartbeat, but when we need the ratings this badly, I can't help but ignore her thoughts for the greater good. She's frowning at me now, and I can tell that I'm taking too long to deliberate for her liking.

God, I wish I didn't have to disappoint her _again._

"_Have marketing promo the shit out of Casey Anthony. Rename the show Casey Anthony Night with Casey Anthony right here on the Casey Anthony Network."_

"_A modest proposal: we could, ourselves, commit murder on our air. In your face, Nancy Grace!"_

Goddammit she's really starting to piss me off! Alright Mac, we get it, you don't like having to throw away your ethics and rules for a week – you don't like pandering to an audience that, like as not, _is _preternaturally stupid. Do you know what? I understand completely – in fact, I understand better than anyone else because I did this show, I fucking taped _this _show every night until she came home. Why, why does she have to be so unreasonable? It's one week – one fucking week where she can't take the moral high-ground and cover actual news. For heaven's sakes, does she actually think that I enjoy taping this garbage?

She's passionate and irate, and I completely understand her irritation, but I can't forgive her obstinacy this time because, _goddammit, we need the ratings. _Still, she's pretty hilarious when she gets ironic. Mac being Mac as she always was, I guess. Boy does this bring back aggravating memories.

At least she has the decency to look ashamed of her outburst now. Proud, but ashamed. Internally, I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry - the fact is, she is one hundred percent right, but I can't stand by her this time, not when the stakes are so high. She crosses her arms blithely, evidently pissed and making a show to ensure that everybody knows. Again, typical Mac – she always was a bit of a drama queen. I still loved her though. And I can still admire her work ethic and unwillingness to give up everything we've worked for – everything we've put into our lovechild, News Night, 2.0. I just wish she would stop being such a colossal pain in the ass.

"_I've been sitting here and I'm getting a little sick of this."_

_**Hey guys! Sorry (as usual) for the tardy update, but hopefully I'll be able to get more done now that I'm on holiday (until my exams start, ugh). In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter, and if you did please leave a review! Also, thanks to Alessandra and Justannw for your reviews last chapter, and to everyone else who has reviewed previously - it means so much to me that you took the time to leave a comment and I appreciate it immensely :)**_


	9. The Blackout Part II, Mock Debate

"_A miracle. A miracle happens. We become a team again. We all hate this, right? We hate what we're doing… I said, 'God, please show me a sign that I'm not doing a big thing badly' –and right that second, the power went out."_

Despite her attitude just hours ago, I can't help but be endeared by her enthusiasm and fickle belief in God and miracles. Yes, fickle. She is a devout atheist who prays only to the higher powers of Journalism, Murrow and Cronkite. Yet suddenly, she wholeheartedly believes that God sent her a sign from above that ACN – or, specifically, me – is not to broadcast anything to do with Anthony Weiner and Casey Anthony. Well, as much as I'd love to believe her and her passionate delivery, I don't buy it. A miracle? No. Most likely a freak accident and a coincidence. Fortunate, comedic, but ultimately meaningless.

She's pacing to and fro, waving her arms and preaching her views. For the first time this week, she's content and excited, and I feel a slight bit of shame at having made her so miserable. Even in the dark, I can see the glint in her eye – the slightly mischievous, devilish glint that tells me that she doesn't care if this fucks up our ratings, because we're going to work together (instead of against each other) again. And although I might not believe in her miracle theory, I do believe in her. And I desperately want an excuse to jump ship on talking about Weiner's, er, private business.

For the hell of it, I ask if anyone else is getting freaked out by Mac's behaviour – only half joking, of course. The truth is that a large part of me wants this as badly as she does – ratings be damned.

"_Leave God out of this and talk more about electricity."_

"_You're an idiot."_

So sue me, I can't put on these fucking trick pants. That doesn't give her the right to call me an idiot! Oh. She's not talking about the pants. Well, good.

Once again, she's riled up and feisty, and this time I can't blame her. We worked our asses off for that debate, so not getting it was a kick in the gut after we'd put ourselves down in the gutter. Mac's face has gone red, and I'm starting to feel concern for her mental health (and also slightly guilty that I've had Brian fucking Brenner shadowing her like some sort of spectre from her past all week). Tucking my shirt into my pants, I try to calm Mac down, to help her see the light of this situation – we still have all of our viewers. Of course, it's never been about the viewers for Mac – but now it is, and I've made it her problem. She cares about the viewers – is willing to get dirty with filth that can hardly be called news – to save my skin, my career. And for what? Out of a sense of misplaced guilt.

How could she possibly think that I would accept the debate format without her? We work well together – we are a team. She is my most trusted partner and producer, and so help me, I probably couldn't find my other pants leg without her. I'm not sure about this – I'm not sure about denying the debate or what I'm about to do now, but when am I ever sure about anything?

"_Remember your first day here? The BP spill? Remember when I said throw out the rundown?... Did you think that was…cool? Throw out the rundown."_

_**Hey guys! I tried updating yesterday, but for whatever reason the system wouldn't let me upload documents, so here it is today instead. I hope you enjoyed reading it, and if you did please leave a review! I would like to thank everybody who has reviewed previously, but also to say thanks to SueG5123 for reviewing the last chapter - it means a lot to me!**_


End file.
